It’s Going to Be Okay - Brandon Swain

Just maybe start crying even more, like I was just like, you know, what is that even mean? In that moment, like what does that mean? And like as I thought about it later, like it was really just like a kind of confirmation of the gospel in my life, like it was like what I had with the salvation that I had when I was five, meant that now in my darkest moments everything's gonna be okay. Like I'm gonna get through it. It's gonna, you know, this too shall pass, so to speak. Hi, my name is Brandon Swain. I'm a pastor and elder at a renovation church in North Syracuse, New York. And this is my faithless story. Welcome to Faithless Stories, the podcast that brings you inspiring tales from conversations with church leaders as they navigate the peaks and valleys of their faith journeys through their ministry work and everyday life. Join us as we delve into their challenges, moments of encouragement and answered prayers. The Faithless Stories podcast is brought to you by Faithly, an online community committed to empowering church leaders, pastors, staff, and volunteers. Learn more at Faithly.co. Get ready to be uplifted and inspired as we unveil the heart of faith through stories from the front lines of ministry on the Faithless Stories podcast. Could you tell me how your faith journey started? Yeah, man, it's a long, it's a long, long story. But anyway, yeah, I was born, raised in Akron, Ohio, was my, where, yeah, we're my stopping grounds are, I guess, our hometown is. So if you're a little brown fan from his hometown and he actually played in my high school once, which is pretty crazy, I think about. But yeah, I mean, I grew up in a vaguely Christian home. I mean, we, my grandma and grandparents were very involved in the church. My mom, you know, saw all the benefits of like having raising a son in the Christian faith and all that kind of stuff as well. So she sent me to Christian school and sent me to various tricks activities when I was younger. And yeah, I mean, when I was about five, I remember going to Awana, which if anybody knows what that is, like, you know, those Wednesday night type things, like I always had all the badges and stuff like that. And Awana, I was having continued into the summer at VBS. And at the VBS, it was like, they presented the gospel to me and everybody at the VBS, obviously. And yeah, I mean, I just remember like the gospel being presented in such a way as like, only as a five year old could understand, it was like, basically like Jesus was like almost like a superhero and he needed to save you. Like, I just remember like from that, that, that moment. And yeah, I mean, so like in that basic faith, like just like, I needed to save you or all that kind of stuff. Yeah, they asked like, you know, who would, you know, who is except Jesus, all those kind of things. I raised my hand, took me into the sanctuary and I prayed this as prayer and all that kind of stuff. And yeah, from there, I don't really remember like anything after that though, which is kind of interesting. Like I don't remember like any sort of discipleship or follow up. I don't even remember if like my parents knew like in that time or whatever. And so yeah, from there, just kind of like went on living life. I mean, I was five years old. I knew I was saved and new Jesus saved me for the bad stuff that was that they told me about all those kinds of things. And so I, yeah, so I just went on living my life and doing what I thought was what was right. So like I had this salvation, but then I was like, I had no direction on what it meant to be a Christian and like what a true Christian looks like, all those kinds of things. And so leading into my younger lot, leading into my teenage years, like I just, I felt like I was like every typical teenager, just rebellious, you know, running around the wrong crowd, you know, finding myself just chasing after any sort of like pleasure and whatever I felt was good and all those kinds of things. And yeah, so when I was all that leading up into out, I was like 16 and I was sitting in my room one night. I don't even remember like why I was just sitting there alone, but I just started thinking about like my life and like, you know, I had like some issues with some girlfriends at the time, which just kind of made me feel like depressed and sad and all those kinds of things. And I was just kind of thinking like, you know, my life hasn't really been that great up into this point. And I feel like no one really loves me. Like that was like the kind of the feeling that I had in that moment. And I try to start to think about like, well, you know, there has to be somebody in my life that loves me. And I started thinking about my friends and all that kind of stuff. Like they must love me. And as I more I thought about it, I was like, you know, I feel like my friends are just kind of like there. They're just using me for something or whatever it may be. And you know, you know, I feel like more disclosed by them than I do anybody else. I was like, well, if my friends would love me, my parents must love me, right? And then I started thinking about our relationship and how it was kind of tumultuous. And I was kind of, you know, the typical teenager, like I said, like very combative against them and all those kinds of things. And you know, me and my dad didn't have the best relationship. And so I was like, okay, well, you know, obviously my parents probably don't love me. And like just in that dark place, just thinking like, no one was there. And I let it all that led to me thinking about God, like, you know, God must love me. If anybody else must love me, must be God. And the more I thought about my relationship with God, the more I was like, well, I haven't really like, you know, been living for my life for him or, you know, even anything remotely like that. Since I was like five, like I had those moments, or had that moment with him when I was five. And, yeah, so I was like, so if God doesn't love me, if my parents don't love me, if my friends don't love me, then it's like, I just came to the conclusion like, well, why am I alive? And in that moment, I, you know, contemplated taking my own life. And I remember like thinking about like how it was going to happen and all that kind of stuff. But then I was like, okay, before I do it, I'm going to pray, not pray to like ask God for help, but pray to just yell at him, like, you know, blame him for everything that's happening and all those kinds of things. And so as I started to do that, as I started to just say, like, you know, it's your follow. Why did you make me this way? Why did you make no one love me? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just remember hearing a voice, say, everything is going to be okay. And like that was just like the smallest, simplest, everything's going to be okay. In that moment, in that darkness, it just made me start crying even more. Like I was just like, you know, what does that even mean? And that moment, like, what does that mean? And like, as I thought about it later, like it was really just like a kind of confirmation of the gospel in my life. Like it was like, what I had with the salvation that I had when I was five meant that now in my darkest moments, everything's going to be okay. Like, I'm going to get through it. It's going to, you know, this too shall pass, so to speak. And I just remember, like, sobbing just even more and more, but being thankful and feeling that peace in my heart. And with those words that I heard that felt like God was wrapping his arms around me and, you know, giving me a big hug. And I just felt that like warmth in that peace. And yeah, so from there, I was like, just like, like, I knew it was God. Like if anything, he was just answering my prayer and answering my, my, I don't know, we want to call it like just anger or whatever it may be. And with the most, the most amount of grace and love that I'd ever had known in that moment. And so yeah, from there, I was just like, I'm going to, you know, get rid of those friends. I'm going to, you know, start living my life for two years. I'm going to figure out what it means to be a Christian and how, what it means, how Christians live, all that kind of stuff, sought out my youth pastor at the time and just say, Hey, man, like, you need to disciple me, like in some aspect, like we need to meet together or whatever, like, I just need to know what it means to be a Christian. And so yeah, from there, just really pushed in heavily into discipleship. And a couple of years later, I was going to graduate school. And I felt the call in the ministry, like I just knew God wanted me to serve him in some way through church. And it just so happened, my youth pastor went to Davis College and he connected me with that school. And I fell in love with it. And from there, I went on to study to be a pastor. And yeah, I mean, just lots of growth from, from that time, from when I was 16 until I graduated college. And I remember the year now, it feels like forever ago. But yeah, when I graduated college, it's a lot, it's been a lot of good mentors, a lot of good friends, a lot of good peers that just like helped me grow in my faith. And yeah, the summer, actually the fall of my senior year, I remember getting the call into the head of student development's office. And she just called me in and like, she sat me down and then she didn't say a word to me, which is like really bizarre. I have been dating my girlfriend at the time, which is now my wife. We had been dating. So I thought maybe like, you know, because we had like been close to coming back for curfew one night. So I was like, maybe she, I'm in trouble that way or something like that. But she didn't say anything. And then I just, and then she brought in my R.D. And then she brought in my pastor who was like, one of my teachers, but I also went to his church at school. And I was like, okay, this is really bizarre. And so she just told me, I remember her saying she wouldn't say anything. She's like, she needed a college family. And I was like, okay. And I called my family. They didn't say anything to me, just other than you need to get home. And I was like, okay. And then my, the head of student development left and then my R.D. left. And I just remember sitting in that room being like, talking to my pastor being like, you need to tell me what is happening. Like, I just feel like, I don't want to know, I don't want to be not aware of what's going on. And he was like, you know, in this, you know, most loving way that you can tell somebody, he was like, your dad has taken his own life. And in that moment, it was like immediately, like, I was like, I was back in that room when I was 16, like, just like, the whole world just came crumbling down around me. And I remember just sitting in that room and him hugging me, not saying a word, just crying together. And that moment, like, I tell him that all the time we still talk and stuff. And I'm like, that moment meant the world to me. Just now no words, no nothing, just, you know, love. And yeah. So from there, my wife, my girlfriend at the time, but my wife now, she, she drove me home, blessed her heart, six hour drive back to Akron. And the whole time just sitting there just like in quiet, just like thinking about like, what am I going to do? What does this mean? Like, again, like, it just felt like the whole world just crumbling down around me. And got home, you know, shared all the tears that I could ever have with my family. And where he had taken his life was down in the basement of our home. He was a police officer. And so he had like all his stuff down there and all that kind of stuff. And he had his desk down there where he would like, you know, pay the bills and all that kind of stuff. And I was just like, I have to go downstairs. And I don't know why I felt that way. But I was just like, I have to go downstairs. And so I did and walk downstairs, standing at his desk. And on his desk was a Bible that had gotten him the, I think it was that that year, actually, first birthday. And in that Bible was a bunch of verses, bookmarked, but one that stood out to me was with 2 Corinthians 12 verses 9 through 10, which if you know any context of that verse, like Paul is talking about, Lord, please take this thorn from my side. And God's response to Paul is, you know, my grace is sufficient enough for you. My power has made perfect in weakness. Yeah. And like just hearing those words, just having those verses there was so powerful for me in my life. Because again, it felt like God was saying everything's going to be okay. And I, yeah, and I just read those verses over and over again. I read them for many years to come. You know, I've still read those verses every day. Just as like a way of just reminding myself, everything's going to be okay. And yeah, from that moment on, it felt, I felt okay. That was the first time all day that day that I felt like it was going to be okay. And I'm thankful for God for that. And yeah, from then on, like, you know, stayed home with my mom, all that kind of stuff, finished my senior year, even that year. That was because my mom wanted me to do that. You know, I wanted to make sure I was there for her, but like she was like, no, you need to go back to schools, what your dad would want. And so I finished my senior year that year, got married, you know, had my daughter a couple months, like, you know, we, you know, if I got pregnant a couple months after we got married. And so then I became a dad. And it's just like, God, just from then on, God has just been providing, providing, providing, reminding me of that, you know, through all of the stuff that's happened, like it feels like since my dad passed away, just life had happened so fast, getting married, having my daughter. And then it's just like, you know, just one role in that for another. But again, God's grounded me in those verses of like, you know, every, you know, my power has made perfect and weakness. Migration is efficient enough for you. So, yeah, that's pretty much my story up until, you know, that point. I mean, up until as far as I made your life stuff happening, you know, and, you know, just became an elder and a pastor in my church past year, all that kind of stuff and been working at a company called Tively for the past almost four years now in August. And God, again, it's just been nothing but providing for me and for my family and just helping me stay through it all. And I always say it's like, it's, um, a lot of my life has felt like, you know, how are you go to go to the ocean? And like, sometimes I would love to, like, just run into the waves, you know, and sometimes I mean, when you run into the waves, like they'll knock you over and those waves will just keep you down underneath the current, where you feel that pressure, like holding you down. And a lot of my life has felt like that, like I'm just under the waves, under the pressure. And I can barely get up for air. But in recent years, it's just, it's felt more so like, you know, I'm not under that pressure. I'm just thinking I'm feeling the waves, but in the reality is I am, uh, I'm surrounded by God. I'm surrounded by his fortress. And I always think about that picture of like, you know, you see the lighthouse with like the huge wave that's crashing on the wall of the lighthouse, but the waves are coming around it. And that's how I picture how God has, uh, provided for me through my life. It's just me standing in that fortress and those waves are crashing around and I feel the waves. I feel the wetness of the waves, the water or like the mist, right? But in actuality, I'm not being pulled under. And just having that, um, having that mindset for me just really helped, um, move through a lot of that stuff that I've dealt with on his teenager, all the stuff from my dad and even like, you know, through some difficult circumstances with my wife and my, my daughter and just like having to work for jobs during COVID and all that kind of stuff. So it's like, um, yeah, it's just been, it's been a crazy life, but it's been one of provision and protection. So how has that experience with your father shaped you as father? Yeah, that's a, that is a great question. I think for me, it's just like being honest, like what I'm feeling with my, with my kids, like not me, like my dad was very, um, he was like born in the 50s, like 1949. So he grew up in that age where it's just like, you know, yeah, you know, he just hid it all inside. Like if you would have asked me like, did you see any signs of my dad doing what he did? Like there would have been none. Nobody in my family would have known what was going to, um, and so for me, I'm like, you know, I want to be more, I want to be open and honest with my daughter or have a son now too. So both of them with like my feelings and how I'm feeling, how I'm, you know, working through all those things as well and saying, and also saying it's like, it's okay to have those feelings. Like I think my, my daughter is a very big feeler. And so like, you know, being just telling her it's okay. Like you can have, you can feel sad, you can feel, you know, angry, whatever it may be. And then trying to work through her work with her through those feelings and stuff like that. So yeah, so that's probably the biggest way is like, if I compare like to what maybe he did as a father to what I'm doing now and how that's different, that's probably the biggest difference I would say. What is one memory that you're thankful for about your dad? Yeah, that's, that's a great, that's, there's too many to pick. Um, to be honest, he was always a funny guy. Uh, always joking around, uh, always made people laugh, you know, life of the party kind of thing. Um, I just remember like he always, I was telling my mom, like he would always mess around with me and my sisters. And I'll never forget he, uh, for Halloween, he loved Halloween too. That was the biggest holiday. So, um, he'd always try to prank us around Halloween. And one, the Halloween, he got me really good. Um, and he like, he said, hey, I'm going to the store and, uh, he said, and so he, I thought he left. And then he calls me and he's like, oh, I forgot my wallet, which his wallet was again in the basement where he had all stuff. Um, and so he's like, can you go downstairs? And I remember going downstairs and, uh, um, he's standing on these like stilts and like he's making himself look taller than he is. And he has like the costume on that doesn't have a face. And he didn't say anything to us. And so we just walked down the basement. And I remember running up the stairs, uh, and, um, trampling over my little sisters at the time, uh, who were with me. And he, and when he saw that, he burst it out laughing. And he, he'll never, he never let me live it down that I like sacrifice my sisters to look at everyone's in the basement. So, but it was pretty funny that stuff like that. I think about all the time, uh, and just like a lot of laughs just any time, you know, he always cracks a joke always plays a prank whatever it may be. Um, but like that's probably the, the one I grabbed to grab it, gravitate towards the most because he always thought it was so funny that I was so scared that my sisters over, but I was like, I was getting out of there, man. It was, I'm not, I'm not messing around with nothing. I told him the move and they didn't. So, yeah. How they did affect your sisters and how were you able to like help them? Yeah. I mean, my sisters were really young when it happened. I was thankfully, I mean, I was an adult. Um, and, uh, I mean, like I said, just about the graduate college. And so, um, yeah, uh, my, my youngest sister was still in junior high. My oldest sister was in high school. Um, and, uh, I think they still wrestle with it probably more than I do in some aspects. My oldest sister was actually there when it happened, like, um, and, uh, and everything like that, like, um, maybe they get all the details, but like, so there's a lot of stuff that they deal with that I hadn't had to deal with other than just being and like, obviously they were living with him at the time. I had, you know, I was a college way in New York. Um, so like I had been not living with him for three years, basically. Um, and so for them, there's a lot of, there were a lot of trauma and a lot of hurt that has happened or that is still causing them pain from that. And I think that's just because the differences in our circumstances. Um, and for me, again, it's like just reminding them about the Lord and how the, and telling them how the Lord has helped me and, you know, being able to pray for them and all that kind of stuff. Uh, and I try to be as much as I can. I mean, my mom's very involved in their lives too, which I think is really good. But I try to be as involved as I can with their lives. I'm like, you know, uh, I don't say like being the man in their life or whatever, but like trying to, and I don't want to say what replaced my dad, but like, obviously like my sister, you know, has boyfriend. And so it's like, you know, I'm meeting him and talking to him and all that kind of stuff and trying to give her advice as much as I can. Um, but I still like, you know, um, I think the main way I help is just trying to remind them about what God's taught me through the situations and everything like that. Were they, uh, part of a church during this time? Uh, during, during the time that my dad passed away. Yeah. Yeah. Like, um, not really. Um, there's been a lot of, uh, conversations with my mom just about like being involved in a church consistently. Um, and just recently over the past couple of years, she's gotten really involved in a church, which is great. But there's a lot of stuff at her story where like, um, there's a lot of church hurt and stuff like that that happened. Like, she was a Catholic and then she, you know, converted to Protestantism. Um, and, uh, you know, we had one cool story about my mom is like, what she became Protestant, she went back to her priest and she was like, Hey, why'd you never tell me how to get to heaven? And like, and so like, she's that kind of a blunt person, uh, which I think is really cool that she did that. But, um, I think there's a lot of like, we don't, I think from that, there's a lot of, uh, for her, um, maybe just a lot of like, we don't need a church kind of thing. But like, as I, as one way I was helping them or helping or trying to be some sort of council, um, and my mom's life, and my sister's life, been encouraged them to go to church and get connected into the community. Um, and just recently, my mom has really found the church that she can feel plugged into. So, um, and I think that's caused a lot of like, um, for them, maybe a lot of hurt a lot of loneliness as well. Cause like, I, I've ever like, time, I'm like, you need to get involved in maybe some like, um, grief counseling stuff at a church or something like that or find some other ladies that have been through some sort of loss or something. Um, cause that's something that's helped me to like, just being like, it's funny how God like, uh, for me, I feel a lot more empathy towards people that have lost someone as well. Um, and so therefore, like God's like brought people in my life that have also lost people. And so it's like, it's interesting how you can find a community and like, you know, connect together over something so traumatic. Um, and just like, being able to say, yeah, I know how you feel, you know, I think it's a big thing. So, um, but yeah, uh, thankfully, are she as a part of a first now, which is, which is good. So how's your relationship with your father and my, with my, my father and law? Yeah. Um, really good. Yeah. I mean, he's, I remember when I asked him if I could marry his daughter, I said like, um, cause I had asked him after my dad to pass away. I was like, um, I was like, I'm, I'm asking more than just the, to marry your daughter. I'm asking you, one to be my dad and also to be my children's only grandfather. Uh, and, um, I think that's for me, I've really leaned into him, uh, for those, for that reason. I'm not having a dad and, you know, he's a good man and good godly man. And I appreciate having an older male figure in my life like that in my family. Um, and yeah, I feel like we have a really good relationship. Um, and, uh, just, you know, able to learn from him as much as I can. You know, he's involved in a church as well. He's an elder at a church too. So it's like, it's nice to have, because my dad was never a part of that like ministry or anything like that. So it is nice now, like, even though my dad's passed away, I feel like I have an older man that's been to some of the things that I've been through and is able to, um, mentor me and, and talk me through some things, um, that I'm dealing with now, even as I step into a pastoral role. So how has all those things shaped you as a pastor and has there been like a situation where like your experience has been like, a strength or, like a gift to a situation? Yeah. I mean, uh, I remember early on, like, so before I'm at this job in my church now or this pastoral role, I was a youth pastor at a church in, um, at another church in Syracuse. And I remember, um, one day, uh, getting a call that one of the, one of the members of our congregation had gotten, um, the news that her son had overdosed. And I think for me, like, in like learning from what my pastor did when he told me about my dad is like, just be there. Like it was just like, it's not about like, you don't need to come in with like some thing to say. Like, um, and I think a lot of people approach the situations with like, I need to have some sort of like verse ready or I need to have some sort of like quote or some, I don't know, whatever they, you know, whatever you feel like you need to do. But like, I felt like from what I had learned and what it helped me through that situation, I was like, I just need to be present in some way. So like, you know, being at their house or calling them and saying, you know, praying for you, all that kind of stuff, um, those kinds of things I think just went a long way. It's like, you know, just knowing someone's there, someone you can lean on, all that kind of stuff. Um, and, uh, um, I feel like that's what's helped me the most as a pastor to some of those things is like just having that ministry of presence. Um, and because like I said, for me, it was huge. Um, it still affects me to this day, how like loved I was in that moment. Just, and he didn't say anything to me. He just told me, you know, my dad passed away and then he hugged me like that was it. Um, and, uh, yeah. So like that situation, I feel like, um, or that's helped me in for the situations. And again, going back to what I said, like having all that empathy for people that lose that lose someone, because like, you don't honestly know what it's like until you're in it, like until you've lost someone, like you can kind of sort of know and like sort of empathize, like obviously that's going to be a traumatic situation, lose anybody in your life. But like until you've actually gone through it, like it's, you just never, it's all the emotions, all the things like it's just, it's way deeper than anyone can ever imagine. So like having gone through that, like I can just feel like, I know what they're feeling now. I don't need to talk to them. And that's another thing, like again, going back to that presence. I don't need to talk to them. I don't need to ask them how they're doing. I just need to be there, um, and be around them and like offer any sort of assistance that I can. And I think that's like one of the things I heard in the middle of all that, because like after, after everything happened with my dad, my pastor kind of told me why he did what he did. And he was like, you know, that's what they used to do in Jewish culture. It was like, you just sat in a room and didn't say a word. But it was like just the fact of having people around you is what made you feel good. And so I've really taken that to heart. And yeah, I just, it's weird that sounds I feel like God has used what's happened with my dad in tremendous ways, through different counseling opportunities or whatever it may be or discipleship opportunities. And it's funny, like I own what it's not like I don't want to say I get excited, but I love like pastoral care ministry. Like I love going to hospitals, like whatever I can do, like giving that call, you know, being there, it's like, it's like in a weird way God brings joy out of my situation, because it's like now I get to help somebody. And I think that's what brings joy, not the situation itself, obviously, that'd be crazy. But obviously like being being able to be that person that knows what they're going through and offer help has been a big thing for me. And yeah, normally people don't really enjoy all that stuff, but I'm like, yeah, I'll do it. I'll raise my hand, you know, that kind of thing. So how did you meet your life? So we met at college. Yeah, I met her my senior year. And yeah, we started dating. Yeah, she was funny story that she loves to tell is she sat in my line of view in the cafeteria all the time. And then I just I got her to I was I felt like I was a creeper. And I tell this all the time, I was like, I was like, I remember when we first started dating, I was like every time I looked up in the cafeteria, you're sitting there, like you're in front of me. She's like, yeah, that was on purpose. I was like, okay. I was like, I'm so glad that wasn't me being weirdo. Yeah, so we met at school and got married the May after the May after my dad passed away. And now we've been together for nine years now. How did you know like she's the one? Yeah, that she she was the first woman that I felt was mature, right? Like, I don't want to like disparage. I mean, I had girlfriends in high school and some girlfriends in college before I met my wife, but it was like the first one where she was like she knew what she wanted. She wasn't gonna compromise anything. She knew who she wasn't Christ. It was like there was just a maturity level for her that I had like felt that I had needed and wanted. And that was like why I knew. And like that part of it, like her character and that, but also like when she found out that my dad died, like they brought her in the office and all that kind of stuff with me. I asked her, I asked her when to bring her in. And her media thing was like, well, let's go. Like, like, let's drive. Like and she was willing to just drop everything. She wasn't, she didn't care about anything else. And I was like, yeah, this is definitely a woman that I need to have by my side of my life, who she's so willing and so caring and so ready to just fight for me. And yeah, it was yeah, it just it made sense in my mind. I was like, there's no other option. Is this her? She sounds like a gift. Yeah, for sure. My kids, which is awesome too. She's like, so so focused and strong. Yeah, it's just amazing. She's awesome. A couple of last questions. I know you got to go. Do you plan on sharing with your kids who your dad was? Yeah, definitely. I mean, we already have in some ways. They both know that he's passed away. And there's pictures of him and stuff like that. And we always say, oh, that's grandpa. Because he's a police officer. So, my son loves Paw Patrol. And he loves Chase in that show. And I'm like, oh, yeah, that's what grandpa used to do. He's a police officer and all that kind of stuff. So there's little ways. And my mom, obviously, when we go to my mom's house, she talks about him a lot. And there's some pictures of more pictures of him around and everything like that. So they know. And yeah, they're sad not to know him. And I'm sad that he doesn't know them. But they're still thinking. They're still getting his memory and as much because every time we go to my mom, it's always like talking about him and talking about different things that we did growing up. And so they know a lot about him. And yeah, I want them to know him as much as possible. Yeah, I'm learning how to honor people that have passed. It's just by remembering them. Yeah, yeah, definitely. Yeah, it's like if you've ever seen that movie, it's called Coco. It's a it's a Disney movie about the dead. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. And like, yeah, that's that message in that movie is the same thing. So it's like honoring the people who have come before you. Yeah, I love all that stuff. I love finding like old pictures of him and all like kind of all those kinds of things that show and hit showing the kids and just reminiscing as much as possible. Because yeah, it basically feel good too. Even though they've passed, it's like it just gives you that memory that that good memory to to enjoy for a little bit. Yeah, there were reason there's a reason why they were in your life in the first place, you know? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Last question is, how can we be praying for you and your family? Yeah, I mean, my life has changed drastically since January. I just got a new job at a title or a new position in a tightly traveling a lot more. And so it's like almost every other week I'm going somewhere. And that's just put a lot of strain on my life and my family and everything that that's just navigating all those kinds of things. All good things and nothing bad is just being away from the house more often than not. And so just pray for that, pray that I stay intentional. My family and my kids helped me not to fall back on the excuse of tiredness to not do something like try to help me pray for that I would pursue, have the energy, whatever it may be. And yeah, pray for my wife as she stays home with the kids. Like she stays home with them all the time. So just pray for patients and calmness for her as she deals with all that stuff. And yeah, pray is I step into this new role as an elder and pastor at my church. Just pray that I can manage those two things well because I never, yeah, like growing going into Davis, I was going to be full vocational ministry. So it's an interesting world to kind of balance both like a bivocational ministry thing. So it's hard. And I just want to make sure I'm faithful to my church, faithful to my family, faithful to my job. So just pray that I navigate all that as well as possible. So thanks for coming on right now. Yeah, thank you for having me. Nice knowing you. Yeah, my pleasure. Thank you for tuning in to the Faithly Stories podcast. We pray this episode gave you the encouragement you needed to continue on your journey. 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