The Heart of the Caregiver - Mary Tutterow | Faithly Stories

I would say that's probably 50% of the power of our ministry is people who connect whether it's online or live and look in the face of somebody else who's weeping over how they love their mom but because she has Alzheimer's and can't understand me anymore it's just driving me to a place where I don't even feel like I love my mother anymore kind of thing. And when you see that there's another person who feels the way you do, you realize all is not lost and, you know, I'm not hopeless. Welcome to Faithly Stories, the podcast that brings you inspiring tales from conversations with church leaders as they navigate the peaks and valleys of their faith journeys through their ministry work and everyday life brought to you by Faithly, an online community committed to empowering church leaders, learn more at Faithly.co. Get ready to be uplifted and inspired on the Faithly Stories podcast. Mary Tudorow, welcome to the Faithly Stories podcast. Thanks for having me. Glad to be here. Well, it is a real privilege to have you here, Mary, especially because it's November. It's National Family Caregivers Month. It's a time to pause and to recognize the millions of people who give so much of themselves to care for their loved ones. So I'm really honored to have you on. You are, of course, the founder of the Heart of the Caregiver. So maybe we could start there. Can you share with our listeners what led you to start the Heart of the Caregiver? Well, 33 years ago, our daughter was born, our first child, and she had a really big seizure disorder, and they sent her home basically to die and told us if she lived, she'd be very profoundly challenged. So we were both big career people, and we had hired a nanny, and we're just going to keep going with our lives. And this little person completely slammed on the brakes and everything that I had been taught would make my life a life of value that I had to use my education and have a big career and have a big house and cars and friends and money in the bank. It all started falling apart really quickly. And I just lost myself, and I ached for fellowship. I had been a church goer, but I was not a disciple of Jesus. And I cried out to God for the very first time in my life one night when I was nursing her and said, how did Mary, the mother of Jesus watch her child suffer and die? Like I'm watching my child suffer and die. And I heard him say to my heart, let her suffering be for my glory, which made no sense to me. And I ran to the Bible and I started looking and I read things like, God chooses the week to shame the strong and he chooses the foolish and the meek are going to inherit the earth and the first will be last and the last will be first. And I went, what is this incredible economy, this incredible way of seeing the world that was bringing me so much comfort? And I started wanting to share it with the other people that I saw in hospitals and therapies all over the place. I saw so many people just like me falling apart, having to take care of somebody with exceptional needs. I mean, our marriage was in trouble or finances were in trouble, my social life had fallen apart. I went from being an anchor woman and a partner in an international public relations firm to being a blob of green jello stuffed into gray sweatpants. And I just felt like I had completely lost my identity, but what I discovered was I was finding my true identity in Christ and I just wanted to share it. Yes. Wow. Well, you say on your website, Mary, that at some point you came to care for your mother and law as well. How old was your daughter when you started coming for your mother and law? Probably about 10, maybe a little bit older and then we have an adult son who's just a year and a half younger than our daughter. So he's now, you know, independent and married and doing his thing. But yes, my mother and law became kind of chronically in need and just gradually declined over time. And so, yeah, it was a very intense, probably about six, seven years where I had a whole lot of people needing me to take care of them. And at first I was just losing myself, but then God was showing me how, yeah, He was taking me to the end of myself, but showing me what life dependent on Him was like. And yes, He was bringing out the worst in me, but okay, bad stuff, festers in darkness when you bring it out to the light, He heals it. Right. You know, it was a really redeemed life through something I redeemed life through something I had dreaded. Yes. Yes. Had He not shown you the way before your mother and law took a turn and came under your care, I mean, can you imagine what it would have been like to care for all of them without following Jesus and being a disciple? No, no, I can't imagine because we didn't enjoy a great relationship because I married her only son. And so, you know, it was one thing learning how to love a child, right? My child, who couldn't perform the way the world told me children should perform, but it was a whole other thing taking on someone who actually didn't like me. And that's a whole other set of issues that the Lord and I walked through. But when you ask me, can I imagine, I see it in my classes every day because not only do we have a curriculum that people do in their churches and senior centers and homes and stuff like that are online, but then I lead kind of like master classes for people who want to go deeper or who want to teach the courses. Yes, I see it constantly. It's a crisis going on in families, Alicia. It really is. And even to the point where we, I have had people call me and say, help me. I am getting ready to kill my child and myself because no one should have to live this way. You know, very severe intense issues. Yeah, you describe it, I think, in your own experience as a pressure cooker, right? Yes. Very much because when you are having to live your life, but also care for someone who is suffering, ie, the fellowship of suffering, other people suffering tends to ping on your unfinished business and bring out the worst in you. If you haven't done the work, if you haven't done the heart work. Right. So talk to me about what it looks like on the other side of the heart work. Right. Like, so, you know, the Lord, the Lord led you to a new beginning. There's a new you, right, in this chapter of your life, but it's still not easy. Right. No, it's still not. So what does like walking through the really tough stuff that you still have to walk through with a new heart? Like, what does that look like? Well, I love to say that it is, you know that there's a ladder out of the hole, okay? I may be down in the hole, wallowing in the mud, right? But I know that there is a way out. And so if I want to be miserable and I want to be angry and I want to be upset, it's my choice. And knowing that I'm not being victimized by a world gone mad or by a person with Alzheimer's or a child with seizures, knowing that I'm in control of how I choose to receive the situation is the game changer right there. And once you learn all the mind shifts of, you know, very much the power of now and what's happening now and my choices in the moment and that, you know, even if their bombs going off, even if somebody is bleeding, even if somebody has hurt me to the core through betrayal, I still have the choice of how to respond. And when you're walking through life with the presence of the living God guiding you, the response can be very different than what we've been taught is how we should respond. Well, yeah, absolutely. Well, so I want to get really practical, especially for a listener out there who might be like in that phase where like they feel like it's the end of them, right? And they haven't, they haven't gotten to the new beginning part. You talk about it being a choice, okay, but like what is that first step they can take if they don't feel like it's within their choice right now? Is it prayer? Is it reaching out to someone? Is it opening the Bible? Like what is that first step they can take when they feel like, okay, this is the end of me. I can't do this anymore. Yes. We do this in the peaceful caregiver. There's the heart of the caregiver and then the peaceful, these are the two books that you've written, right? The two books, yes. And a peaceful caregiver, the first step, this, it sounds redundant for me to say this to you, but it's just being aware that I have a choice, okay? That's the very first thing is I don't have to let this. So just being aware, the second thing is taking a deep breath, being still, you know, it's stillness, let God fight for you, let God give you a new thought, give him room. Even if you're going to go ahead and break down and cry, even if you're going to go ahead and scream, even if you're going to drop to the floor and I can't do this anymore, just give him that little deep breath, second, to change you, not to change your situation because he doesn't promise to deliver us from the hard things in life. He promises to walk through them with us, you know, like the Holy Smoke brothers went into the fire. He didn't stop them from going in. He just went in with them and taught them so much in the fire. So often, you know, I teach it like this. You've had the world telling you lies your whole life. This hurts. This is unfair. This isn't how I wanted to spend my life. Taking care of somebody that the world thinks has lost their mind makes me completely invisible. I have no friends. I have no life, okay? And you're just drowning in this. But when you let the Holy Spirit quiet this, not go blank. Just quiet it. You can begin to hear instruction, divine instruction, which sounds so ridiculous, but okay? So just be aware you have a choice. Take that moment to be still, okay? And then empty your old thoughts and expectations and go, God, what do you want me to know in this? All I know is I can't deal with this. But what do you want me to know in this? And then comes listening, but not listening for your answer, listening for something new. And then prayer is welcoming all that's going on, giving it to God, allowing him to give you new thoughts and ideas about the situation. And it happens. It's real. It begins to happen. You can walk through anything in peace, in that peace that transcends understanding. Well, that's really powerful. And I just, I had this thought, Mary, that as you were talking about that voice, that people, you know, that narrative, right? Like, I can't do this anymore. I'm invisible. Like, you know, I have a feeling you just ministered to a lot of people just insane that out loud, right? Like, if someone is walking through that, thinking through that, just hearing you say that out loud, giving voice to the narrative that's in your mind is so powerful, right? Just to know that they're not the only ones who are thinking that they're not the only ones. So I want to talk about the power of community and going through something like this, because I think you wrote that you started heart of the caregiver because you were looking to connect with others and your shoes. Can you talk about that for a second? Yes, that's the power of small group. That's why I didn't write it as just a book to lay in your bed and read it alone by yourself. I wrote it as a curriculum so that people would want to get together and talk about it because I would say that's probably 50% of the power of our ministry is people who connect whether it's online or live and look in the face of somebody else who's weeping over how they love their mom, but because she has Alzheimer's and can't understand me anymore, it's just driving me to a place where I don't even feel like I love my mother anymore kind of thing. And when you see that there's another person who feels the way you do, you realize all is not lost. You know, I'm not hopeless. Yes, connection is powerful. However, Alicia, I believe so strongly that support groups are powerful places to connect and look in the face of other people who are hurting and to learn about resources and other doctors and all that kind of stuff, that's great. But unless you're in a small group that is giving you a curriculum for the way out of that hole, that is teaching you the ladder, because you're right, you said it in the very beginning, you backslide all the time, I mean, because the world's talking to you all the time every day, it doesn't stop talking to you. But if you don't know how to go find that ladder and crawl up that ladder out of the hole, if you haven't been given that, a support group is only just a pit of empathy and can even be sometimes more toxic than what you were trying to get over. Well, that's really interesting what you just said, the pit of empathy. I think that if you go to friends who don't understand that that might be what you get, right, is just empathy, but you need more than empathy when you're in these situations. Well, so you're still caring for your daughter. Her name is Mary Addison. I think you wrote that your mother and law has since passed, but you're still caring for your daughter. And do you find yourself having to climb out of the ladder on a regular basis? Is this a one and done situation or is this an ongoing sort of practice that you have to keep? Oh, my gosh. And I believe it's for all of us whether we're taking care of somebody with special needs or they've passed on or you've never had to do it. That, it's just a symptom of being human is that we have to, we are challenged with putting these things into practice every day in different ways all the time. I mean, I've had so many people do this Bible study and say, I've never heard it taught exactly this way, but it's all based on Scripture, but it is applied to every area of my life. And so yes, can you give us an example of that? Like what are examples of other areas of life where these kind of practices can be really useful? Staying married, you know, and having to live with another human being who's very different from you who doesn't meet your expectations. I mean, you're expecting perfect love from imperfect people when you learn to receive the love of a living God first. You can love anybody. You know, that's what the heart of the caregiver is about, a peaceful caregiver is about how to have peace, the heart of the caregiver is about how to learn how to let God love you first and let him do the loving through you because it's so much easier now for me to love my husband and love my friends and, you know, even love my enemy who is very different from me and goes through life very different from me. But when I realize that we are all connected, that we're, you know, all beloved by God, totally changes how I go through life in every aspect. So you said at the beginning that you were a churchgoer, you're a Christian, but now you're a disciple through this conversation so far, Mary, it's clear to me that what you have here is a discipleship program that the Lord uses these circumstances in our lives and uses these types of ministries to really disciple us. Would you, would you have been surprised to hear that when all this first started happening to you while there's years ago? Absolutely. Absolutely. And I think so much of what's been uncovered in the scripture to me over the years actually was very surprising because, and this is what I would, I would really love to say to pastors is, you know, it's one thing to get people to come to church and that's a beautiful, thing in community and all that. But when somebody's in real crisis, whether it's an addiction or whether it's a divorce or grief or a blended family, you know, or foster care, ministry into those very specific areas is just so needed, you know, church on Sunday with everyone knowing that we're beloved is big, but having something that speaks to my specific situation is key. And I think a lot of people, you know, say, well, we have a child with autism or we have an adult with Down syndrome or we have a child with behavioral issues or we have this or we have that. I need you to develop, you know, a special needs classroom. I need you to develop an Alzheimer's group. I need you to, and in my mind, these, this curriculum is the very first step where most churches respond in, well, we'll build a ramp, we'll hire a special teacher, we'll train volunteers, we'll allocate a classroom, you know, we'll start a program. It's just so much easier to say, let's get a group of people together in God's word on this topic and go through that and let's get the healing going in your family first and in your personal life first, and then let's talk about how we can come around you appropriately as a body. That's great. And so Mary, I think you know, we have a lot of pastors and ministry leaders, a lot of church leaders who listen to this podcast. You've mentioned a lot of different resources now over the course of our conversation. I just want to make sure we've got it all. So you have, you offer curriculum, right? Is this for churches who want to get people together to have a conversation? Is that what they use the curriculum for? Yes, great. And what's so beautiful about this curriculum is that you don't have to have a group just for moms, if kids with special needs or just for wives taking care of a spouse with cancer or just for husbands taking care of somebody with Alzheimer's. They can all come together in this curriculum because it's not about a disease or disability. It's about learning how to have a servant's heart in a world where Alicia, that's what we were created to do. Yeah, amen. I mean, if you look around in nature, you look at God and then you look at nature, it's always giving. Giving of itself all the way, even unto death, right? And an apple tree doesn't eat apples. A rose can't smell its own fragrance. The sun doesn't need vitamin D. Everything's created to give itself away to the whole all the time. And then we see it in Jesus. And Jesus came to give himself away for us and to show us as humans. That's what we're here to do. I'm here to give myself away even if it's the end of me. Yeah. Yeah, Mary, that is so beautiful. That is so beautiful. And I couldn't agree more. Over the summer, my family went to the beach and we went to a little church at the beach where at first it felt like a bit of a relief just to sit there and consume the church. We've been church leaders for so long. And there's always a responsibility or a task or something that we need to do that Sunday. So at first, it felt like a bit of a relief. But then I realized over the summer that the Holy Spirit ministers to me in a very powerful way, when I give myself away, when I'm serving. And so, boy, it was a relief to come back to my home church in the city this fall. So anyway, all that to say, Mary, I couldn't agree with you more. What you said was so beautiful and so spot on. Okay, so we're talking about resources for churches. There's your curriculum, which pastors can find online. Where do they go to find this curriculum? The heart of the caregiver and you can go to .com, which is my website. Or you can go to Amazon. Okay, you know, it's on Amazon. But then also, we have support videos, teaching videos to help the group leaders. Or if someone is going to do it on their own, they have it. But they're streaming for free on right now media. Wonderful. So, you know, which is a big Bible study library. Yes. Online that's for free. And then we have a leader support page on our website where there are some downloads and things but where you can contact us and tell us what do you need. So, let's say you have someone in your church who wants to start a caregiver group, but you don't have the time to mentor him or her. We'll do it for you. You know, we have people who will do it. We will pray for you. We will get you connected to all the right resources. And then when your group said and done and people want to keep going, we have a second, you know, so it's at least 18 weeks of teaching. And then finally, we provide you with other resources. I mean, there aren't a whole lot of other scripture-based caregiver resources that are curriculum, but there are lots of other good food for thought to keep your group's going. So, that's amazing. There's a lot of stuff there to support churches who want to support their people in this important way. And the two books that you mentioned, heart of the caregiver and the peaceful caregiver, if we have someone listening who wants to pick up one of these books, where do you suggest they start? Well, other than ordering the book first, honestly, I would go ahead and email us and just let us know your heart so we can begin praying for you. And connecting you, because there may already be somebody else in your area that you don't know about that's already doing this and partnering with them. There's strength in numbers and all that kind of stuff. And then I offer online master classes for anyone who's, I mean, it's one thing to teach the Bible, but it's another thing to teach scripture to people who are hurting in a specific area of need. And you're not a pastor and you're not a psychologist, you know, you're not a therapist. You know, it's a big responsibility to take on hurting people in a group. Yeah. It's a little bit different than just leading a Bible study. Well, so what have you learned from doing that? Like, how do you minister to people who are hurting in a different way than you administer to people who are, you know, at least on the surface, healthy? Well, first of all, it's, we've identified the scripture that speaks bang straight into the heart of someone who's suffering because of somebody else's suffering, which is truly Alicia what we're all doing. We are all in pain because somebody else is out of their own pain has done something. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Or is manifesting something. And, and we don't know how to respond to anything, I mean, everything in love because this little voice is safe. You need to get out there and get even. You need to prove your point. You need to, and that's a fear mentality based on separation. You know, we don't think there's enough, but there is. There's always enough. And when you're connected with God, and again, that's what these, these books are all about, is even in the midst of watching your child die, even in the midst of watching your spouse ride and pain from cancer. You can have peace, and you can be the aroma of Christ, and you can be a source of healing, not only to the person that you're caring for, but to people who are watching. Yeah, yeah. So Mary, what's the go to scripture? You got to let us in on your secret. What is your go to scripture for that person who is hurting, who is going through one or more of these things that you're talking about? It is Christ, you serve. Yeah. Yeah. Now, it's a lot like Mother Teresa and her nuns. You know, I see Jesus in everyone and everything, and I am being Christ to them, and they are Christ in my midst, and I'm not dealing with an individual ego. I'm dealing with a beloved child of God. You know, I have had so many people that say, I just, I've put this scripture over my spouse is bed or over my child's bed. It is Christ you serve. So it's not, I'm so irritated with you because you've forgotten how to take out the garbage, and you can't remember my name, right? And people go, if he doesn't one more time, I'm just going to cry and you teach them to go, to look at them and say, but the man not taking out the garbage that doesn't remember my name, you're attaching all your old expectations and stories of what you thought it was going to look like at this time. But what you need to do is just go, it's just an older man who has Alzheimer's, who's forgotten how to take out the garbage. That's it. Yeah. Yeah. All of the other drama. Is doing nothing but hurting you. Yeah. And when you serve and you serve Christ, you don't serve with the drama, you just, you just serve. Yeah. Wow. So simple, but yet so powerful, so powerful helps clear the decks. Yeah. All that angst really fast. Yeah. Well, Mary, maybe I could ask you one final question as we close our time today, which is, if you could go back to the very, very early days of caring for your daughter, if you could go back to some of those earliest days, like when you were just in the beginning and you hadn't found your, your new beginning yet, right, where you hadn't had that turning point yet, what advice would you give to yourself? Oh, wow, Alicia. To extend grace and to forgive myself, because I beat myself up so much about being a bad mother and being inadequate and not understanding and, you know, how I meant to understand all this neurology and these drugs and all of my new responsibilities, and I beat myself up so much. And it was hard enough just doing it, but it was 50 times harder doing it under, under shame. Yeah. Right. Yeah, I think sometimes the person we need to extend grace to sometimes is ourselves, right? Right. I mean, I can't tell you how many times we started an organization for people with special needs as they graduate from, I mean, from high school who can't go on to anything else. And parents would say to me, what is it that y'all are doing there that is so different? My, my adult with disabilities is a completely different person. And we've been teaching this to some nursing homes to some degree is, but when you accept a person as they are, including yourself, then you help cut that angst and that angst of, I mean, can you imagine going through every day as a person with disabilities being told you're broken and you need to be fixed before anybody can have a real relationship with you? But that's what we do to ourselves every morning. Right. We get up and go, you're broken and you need to be fixed. And okay, but God loves me just as I am and it's going to help me and help me get better. I don't know. It's just a huge thing to list that burden of anxiety and angst off of people. Yeah. Wow. Really powerful stuff, Mary. I just want to thank you again for having this conversation with us, especially to bring light to all of this on National Family Caregiver's Month. I have a feeling a lot of people needed to hear this conversation. Your ministry is so beautiful and it really is just such a privilege to get to talk to you, Mary. Thank you. Oh, thank you so much, Alicia. I appreciate it. Thank you. And thank you for faithfully. Thank you, Mary. Really great resource. Thank you so much. Thanks. Thank you for tuning in to the Faithly Stories podcast. We pray this episode gave you the encouragement you needed to continue on your journey. The Faithly Stories podcast is brought to you by Faithly, an online community committed to empowering church leaders, pastors, staff, and volunteers. The Faithly Digital Platform offers innovative and practical tools and resources to enhance connection, foster collaboration, and promote growth within the church and ministry space. 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